The Impact of Adoption on Teenage Girls

The unique impact of adoption on teenage girls, with practical strategies for parents to support identity, independence, and development.

Adolescent Development and Adoption

During the teenage years, youth form an identity that is separate from their parents. They also learn and practice adult life skills. Adoption adds complexity to the normal developmental tasks of teenagers, even for those who were adopted as newborns. Adopted teens have varying degrees of knowledge about and contact with birth family members, and these factors, along with their perception and understanding of their adoptive history, influence their development and experiences. Adoptive parents can best help their teens by understanding these issues and being aware of how adoption and related experiences might affect their youth.

Thirteen- to nineteen-year-olds experience rapid physical and hormonal growth, and by the mid-teen years many adolescents look like young adults. Do not let their physical stature and sexual development fool you: teenagers are still primarily children. They need continued parental supervision, emotional support, guidance, and interaction with caring, grounded adults. Adolescence is also a time of significant brain development, and the social and emotional development of a teenager occurs in three critical areas, identity formation, independence, and intimacy, all of which are affected by adoption.

Teenage girl and her mother talking closely on a couch

Brain Development

Because 95 percent of the brain is formed by age 5 or 6, experts once believed that brain development peaked in early childhood. We now know that significant brain growth occurs during the teen years, particularly in the section of the brain that governs the ability to reason, control impulses, regulate moods, empathize with others, limit inappropriate behavior, set priorities, and make sound judgments. This development is not complete until the mid-20s, and teen brains are less efficient at cause-and-effect thinking, so teens need guidance from adults and to be allowed to learn from mistakes. To become more efficient, the brain goes through a "use it or lose it" process: it builds strength in the areas where teens focus their energy and may lose capacity in other areas. While adoption itself may not significantly affect brain development, early life experiences do; prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol, early childhood neglect, or trauma can damage the brain or influence the way it develops.

Expose your teenager to healthy academic, social, and cultural activities, and set reasonable limits on isolated or passive activities. Teens adopted from neglectful situations, in particular, need more time interacting with others in person and less time in front of a screen. All recently adopted children need to spend a lot of quality time with parents to build their attachment and security in the family, and parents can foster attachment by participating with them in social and community activities. If your child struggles in school, ask for a learning disability assessment; even teens who do not qualify for special educational services can be assisted by simple changes in the classroom, so work with teachers, counselors, and, most importantly, your teenager to discover helpful strategies.

Identity Formation

All teenagers struggle with the questions, "Who am I?" and "Where do I belong?" They must define their own values, beliefs, career and educational paths, and expectations of self, and figure out how they are similar to, and different from, their parents, other family members, and their community. Younger teens start to define a sense of self by "trying on" various roles, identifying more with peers and less with family, and expressing their individuality through clothing, hair, music, and body decor. They must be allowed some leeway to express how they are different from their parents.

Adopted teens may question who they are more deeply than non-adopted peers, because the questions they face are more complex. Forming an identity is complicated for adopted teens since they have two sets of parents and families, and they must consider birth family members as they figure out who they are like and who they are different from. Adopted teens may feel that parts of their identity are missing; unknown or missing information may prevent them from knowing where certain characteristics, abilities, or talents come from, and they may worry that they will repeat behaviors, tendencies, or mistakes of a birth parent. Teens whose race or ethnic background is unknown or different from their adoptive parents may feel they do not fully belong in their family or community, and may have a strong interest in meeting or spending time with birth family members or others of a similar background.

Give your teenager the facts about how and why they were placed for adoption, and help them find missing information. Give them all the information you have about their birth parents, including their cultural, racial, and religious backgrounds, and share photos if available. Help your teenager develop a balanced view of her birth parents; limited or one-sided information does not allow teens to consider all of their parents' experiences and characteristics, so talk about birth parents as complex people with both strengths and faults. Avoid agreeing or participating when your teen criticizes the birth parent, since all adoptees "own" their birth parents to some degree and will internalize that criticism. Provide contacts with other adopted teens and young adults, look for a support group or mentorship program with members who share your child's racial, cultural, or national background, and point out the similarities between yourself and your adopted children; feeling that they are like their adoptive parents in some ways helps strengthen teens' attachment to their families and helps them feel safe as they enter the adult world.

Independence

All teenagers must separate emotionally from their families. They go back and forth between wanting more freedom and wanting the protection of family. Younger teens start separating without leaving home, and may seem embarrassed by or not want to be seen with their parents. Adopted teens, especially those adopted as older children, may fear leaving the security of the home and family; some may adapt by acting more mature, more independent, or "tougher" than they feel to cope with fears and intimacy issues. Adopted children who experienced previous neglect or abuse often need extra time and practice to learn life skills, and newly adopted adolescents face the task of establishing themselves into the family at a time when normal development would have them pushing away from it.

Decrease parental control very gradually as your teenager shows signs of readiness. Remember that teens who were adopted from neglectful situations, who have been exposed to trauma, or who have attachment issues may not be ready for the same responsibilities at the same time as other teens their age. Recently adopted teens need to spend a lot of quality time with parents to build their attachment and security in the family. Give your teen a voice in decisions: if developmentally appropriate, ask your child whether they feel ready for particular responsibilities and privileges, which is especially important for teens who came from situations where they felt powerless. Teenagers who feel heard and respected are more likely to cooperate with family rules.

Intimacy and Ongoing Support

Most teenagers deepen their friendships with peers and start to explore romantic relationships. Younger teens think about their ability to attract other youth but do not usually engage in romantic relationships; mid-teens date and pair up, but usually these relationships are short term; and older teens start to move beyond mere physical attraction to form more intimate emotional relationships. Adopted teens may think a lot about their birth parents as they begin to explore romantic relationships, although some of this may be at a subconscious level. Many adopted teens lack information about birth parents, which can complicate the identity formation process, and if their past relationships were inconsistent or abusive, some adolescents, whether adopted or not, will have difficulty trusting others.

Express compassion for your teenager's birth parents' situation. Tell your children that they can make choices for themselves and that they do not have to follow the same path as their birth parents, while continuing to provide as much positive information as possible about the birth family's history. All teens do better in homes with consistent, clear boundaries and expectations, flexible and compassionate parenting, and a nurturing and guiding atmosphere that allows them to incrementally develop and work through their normal adolescent developmental stages.

Parent and teenage daughter walking outside together

If you feel you have tried every method, approach, and tool, yet still feel your daughter is hurting or struggling in any way, do not hesitate to reach out to a qualified professional who specializes in adoption and trauma to help your family find its way forward.

Originally reported by Providence Pass

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